Watching Young Couples with an Old Girlfriend On Sunday Morning

— August Kleinzahler

How mild these young men seem to me now
with their baggy shorts and clouds of musk, as if younger brothers of the
women they escort in tight black leather, bangs and tattoos, cute little
toughies, so Louise Brooks annealed

in MTV, headed off for huevos rancheros
and the Sunday Times at some chic, crowded dive. I don't recall it at all this
way, do you ? How sweetly complected and confident they look, their faces
unclouded by the rages

and abandoned, tearful couplings of the night before, the drunkenness, beast savor and
remorse. Or do I recoil from their youthfulness and health ? Oh, not recoil, just fail to see
ourselves. And yet, this tenderness between us that remains

was mortared first with something dark, something feral, we still refuse, we still refuse to name.

progress!

No weigh in last Friday, because I was so bloated and icky-feeling. But! Today I noticed that I can put on and take off the size 22 jeans without undoing them. That must mean something.

The next step will be to be able to do that when they’re straight out of the dryer.

snails and brussels sprouts

There are nights when all I want is a mac and cheese or fish sticks, but I notice that I'm also becoming that person that orders scary grown-up food. Like, food other grown-ups won't order. The other night, my friend C and I went out for the sort of dinner where there are white linen tablecloths and multiple courses. I talked her into escargot for one appetizer, and she ordered brussels sprouts for the other. Then I had boar sausage with braised red cabbage and root vegetable puree. And then mulled cider for desert.

I have no idea how I became this person.

weekly weigh-in

232.5. If I hadn’t had a remarkable amount of sodium in the past 48 hours, I might have done better than that.

scented

I used to wear Cashmere Mist all the time. It was my scent for years, but then I met Mister Husband and quit wearing perfume. So I’ve been smelling like Me for four years now. I smell pretty good, but sometimes a girl wants more.

So when I found out about Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab and their imp’s ears, ordering was a moral imperative. It took forever for them to show up: I ordered in late November and the box came this past Tuesday. (Remember when 4-6 weeks shipping time was conventional and reasonable?) It was worth the wait, though, and I love almost everything.

Here’s what I got, with descriptions from the site:
Alice: Curiouser and curiouser. Milk and honey with rose, carnation and bergamot.
White Rabbit: Strong black tea and milk with white pepper, ginger, honey and vanilla, spilled over the crisp scent of clean linen.
(I could have sworn I also ordered Jabberwocky — an earthy yet buoyant scent: pine, eucalyptus and orange — but apparently not.)
Baobhan Sith: The ghostly White Women of the Scottish highlands. They seduce unwary travelers by night with their unearthly beauty and mesmerizing dancing. They engage their victims in a wild, hypnotic dance, and once they reach exhaustion, exsanguinate their partners with their vampiric kiss. Grapefruit, white tea, apple blossom and ginger.
Dublin: The scent of misty forests, damp alder leaf, and the gentlest touch of white rose.
Dragon’s Hide: Flame-kissed, warm, smooth, and highly protective. Dragon’s blood, leather and a hint of smoke.
Vicomte de Valmont [Quite possibly my favorite so far]: I promised her my eternal love, and I actually thought that for a couple of hours.Rake, scoundrel, demon in a frock coat. Devilishly seductive, ultimately tragic; a villain undone and redeemed by love. Based on an 18th century gentlemen,s cologne: ambergris, white musk, white sandalwood, Spanish Moss, orange blossom, three mints, jasmine, rose geranium and a spike of rosemary.
Vixen: Lascivious, flirtatious, and vampy as hell. A true heartbreaker’s perfume. The innocence of orange blossom tainted by the beguiling scents of ginger and patchouli.
Tombstone: A celebration of one of the first commercially produced perfumes of America,s Old West. A rugged, warm blend of vanilla, balsam and sassafras layered over Virginia cedar.

So far I’ve worn a different scent everyday. And they’re so much fun — teaching persuasive oratory while wearing Vicomte de Valmont or going to a meeting wearing Dragon’s Hide does lend something to the proceedings.

ow.

Yesterday was the first First Day of teaching that I’ve not had dry heaves. Excellent. But instead I got a terrible awful headache. This happened the first day of Orientation in September, too. I like my job, I like my department, I like teaching, so I have no idea what’s up with this particular physical reaction.

Fortunately, I have a lovely, lovely husband who put me to bed and brought me aspirin and juice and went to the grocery store and brought home dinner. He’s a keeper.

The Self

— Adam Zagajewski

It is small and no more visible than a cricket
in August. It likes to dress up, to masquerade,
as all dwarves do. It lodges between
granite blocks, between serviceable
truths. It even fits under
a bandage, under adhesive. Neither custom officers
nor their beautiful dogs will find it. Between
hymns, between alliances, it hides itself.

holy protein, batman!

Friday weigh-in: 234. No change.

So since I’ve been paying attention to exactly how much stuff I eat, I’ve been appalled. I usually start the day with fiber: oatmeal or a bowl of cereal. Then I’m peckish all morning and usually eat two snacks before lunch. (If I was doing the whole 6-small meals per day thing it would be different, but I’m not going anywhere near that yet.)

It occurred to me that if I ate considerably more on days I accidentally skipped breakfast, I could probably further control the rest of the day by changing up breakfast. What if I concentrated more on protein? So today I had two eggs and two small slices of dry pumpernickel toast. It took about as long as making oatmeal and tasted wonderful. And I wasn’t hungry for the rest of the morning! I had a bowl of plain potato soup for lunch and a mid-afternoon snack that consisted of a few dried apricots and a handful of peanuts-in-the-shell. There was also a yogurt cup, but that was boredom. Still, that’s much less food than I would normally rootle through.

Hmmm. Protein!

Physical Chart

i die. in the rain.

Perhaps the beginning of an Effort isn’t exactly the time to go shopping for clothes. Be that as it may, I needed to replace some sweaters and buy another pair of jeans, since the last pair wore out in the thighs a few days ago. (This has been the fate of all of my jeans since I can remember.) I discovered that I have gone up a size all around, which means that I've gone up TWO sizes in pants since this time last year. If I gain any more weight, I will be completely limited to Lane Bryant and their hideous bedazzled clothes.

Remember, remember, remember: something is better than nothing and all progress is incremental. We are learning one small skill at a time this go-round so that they may stick.

wanting another condition

Via iDiet, a Gandhi quote:

As long as you derive inner help and comfort from anything, you should keep it. If you were to give it up in a mood of self-sacrifice or out of a stern sense of duty, you would continue to want it back, and that unsatisfied want would make trouble for you. Only give up a thing when you want some other condition so much that the thing no longer has any attraction for you.

More later, after I make more progress on the current writing project.

eyeballing

What does 200 calories look like?

Slightly-Longer-Than-Weekly Weigh-in

Current Weight: 234. Down six pounds from last time, which was a first-day-of TOM weight.

Current measurements:
Bicep: 13.5
Breasts: 46.5
Waist: 43
Belly: 50
Hips: 48.5
Thigh: 29
Calf: 16.5

So: down some pounds, yay! Largest belly measurement ever, hrm!

Exercise of late: walking with Husband on Wednesday, 70 steps yesterday. I love living in a place with a real winter, but I hate the fear of icy walks. Which is a problem, because I love to go for walks and I hate gyms. Am investigating options, though, and working on thinking of this as a process of learning skills.

Inches

Whilst cleaning my study today I found my measurement sheet from last spring's attempt. I'll put them here so I can find them easily again. And tomorrow I'll measure and weigh myself, so help me God.

Late February
Bicep 13.5
Breasts 46
Waist 43
Belly 49
Hips 48
Thigh 28
Calf 16.25

March 13
Bicep 13
Breasts 45
Waist 42
Belly 46.5
Hips 47.5
Thigh 27.5
Calf 16.25

Late March
Bicep 12/5
Breasts 45
Waist 42
Belly 47
Hips 48
Thigh 24.5
Calf 17

advice to remember

From Pasta Queen:

Healthy living is a skill, just like crochet, that you will get better at with practice.

This makes a lot of sense to me. I wonder if it was a skill I just never learned, because I traded it off for high literacy skills? I was a sick little kid who was often not allowed to go outside and play. Instead, I learned to stay inside and occupy myself quietly by reading and writing and making up games.

And if it’s just a skill, then I can learn this. Can’t be any worse than getting a PhD, which also has a ton of emotional pitfalls attached to the process.

Happy New Year

I notice that the years when I make a point of clarifying what I want to do with my energies are more directed than others. Actually, I find it works best if I do this twice each year: once now-ish, and once in the summer. So this post is me figuring out what the general goals are this time around and what in the world they might mean.

1. Continue to have a life. I’ve gotten pretty good at this in the past couple of years, but I could be better. “Pretty good“ means that I make time to hang out with The Husband, to go to lunch or dinner with friends, to have massage work done, to read books that don’t have anything to do with my job. This is all excellent, and I think I’ve discovered a reasonable ratio of work:play. “Could be better” has to do with the fact that I often spend some or all of my play time feeling guilty and/or angry about not working. When I play, I want to be all in the moment of playing and not dragging other shit into the mix.

2. Continue with the career progress. In 12 months, I’d like to be most of the way through the Next Big Project. I’m scared to even talk about it for fear of jinxing myself, but my actual goal is to have an entire but shitty draft by the end of September. I’d also like to I will also finish up my current Greek project and get it out the door.

3. The always-present Be Healthier Goal. This is nebulous and needs definition. What the hell does be healthier mean?

• It means being able to eat reasonably and intuitively. I refuse to cut entire classes of food out of my life, but I want to be eating reasonable portions of real food that seriously feeds me. Steps to this would be: figuring out what actual portion sizes are and applying them to meals. Making sure to eat a wide variety of whole foods. Packing in enough servings of fruits and veggies.
• It means finding out just how pain-free I can be. This means staying properly hydrated. It means regular stretching in a variety of different ways. It means continuing with massage and chiropractic as necessary. It means losing weight and moving around consistently.
• Finding an activity that’s actually fun and that I want to do consistently. I hope this means learning to ride a bike. I already like going for walks. I need to find something to do in serious winter weather, which is a lot of the year where I live.

4. Find ways to be more frugal. The first goal with that is the grocery bill, which is entirely out of hand. Also, I spent some time yesterday setting up Quicken so as to track spending and figure out where the hell else our money is going.

5. Travel as much as responsibly possible. Especially locally, since we won’t get to live here much longer. My grandparents lived an entire life of “Oh, we always meant to do that” and “We never got to do that.” My parents did too for a long time, but they’re better about it now. I refuse to live my life this way. If you want something, it’s your job to find ways to make it happen.